A Lexicon of Bevvies
…Wine: Many social functions are clarified and maintained by this fermented grape juice. It can serve as “admission” to dinner parties, as the host implicitly expects guests to bring a ~$15-20 bottle in order to offset the cost of food—as chronicled in a Seinfeld episode in which George Costanza laments having to buy a bottle for a party. Wine is also the central component in approaching intimacy with a date, by both its romantic evocations and alcohol content (12.5% by vol). It can be an alcoholic’s “surrogate date,” during which he—or she, but in this contributor’s sorry case, he—finishes a bottle of Zinfandel by himself on a Friday or Saturday night while masochistically listening to obscure jazz. Per yuppie protocol, one should casually note their knowledge of types of wines during small talk…
…Coffee contains caffeine, a highly addictive substance which psycho-actively stimulates the central nervous system. The “coffee house” or café phenomenon began in the pacific northwest, specifically, Seattle, Washington—and has ventured down throughout Portland, San Francisco, and (less so) Los Angeles. Wi-fi is usually free at these coffee houses, and patrons will spend hours on their laptop poking people online and ignoring people irl. In the east coast, people are less obsessed with leisure, and tend to just get coffee “to go,” from Dunkin’ Donuts usually….
